1995 Preachers Study Notes
Have you noticed? People seem to be falling out of love as surely as they fall in love. One young lady told me that she did not love her husband anymore: “I’ve fallen out of love with him.” But may I suggest to you, that is not as big a problem as it may seem. The reason is, God has given you the ability to learn to love your husband or wife again. Just as you have fallen out of love, you can fall in love again. Far too often we hear this same line among those who are members of the body of Christ.
The average couple spends two hundred hours getting ready for their wedding and less than three hours in any type of premarital counseling. Furthermore, it is far easier to get a marriage license than it is to get a driver’s license.
One of the major problems confronting us today is that many are coming into marriage having had no healthy role model during their growing-up years. We are told that fifty percent of all marriages fail in the United States. That means that half of all young adults old enough to many have seen nothing but conflict in the home. They have felt the distance and heard the silence between their mother and dad. One young lady asked in frustration, “Can anyone tell me what a healthy marriage really looks like? That’s what I want, but I don’t know where to start.”
Another problem is that many are marrying virtual strangers. They spend hours together and talk a lot during the dating period. As result they think they know each other well. However, the dating relationship is generally used to conceal rather than reveal. Each partner hides embarrassing facts, habits and temperament flaws.
For these reasons I will begin this discourse by considering the importance of compatibility in a marriage relationship. The purpose of this part of our study is to encourage couples planning to many to identify in advance where the difficult areas in their relationship are likely to be, then work on bridging the gaps before marriage. In the second part of this study I will address the principle of “honor” and its importance in our relationships.
There are two outstanding characteristics in those relationships that seem to be the healthiest:
- 1. A strong commitment to marriage as opposed to a strong attraction to the other person in the relationship.
2. Compatibility in the following areas: background, temperament, goals and dreams, values, the ways in which individuals manage and order their physic material and spiritual lives.
Couples need to see in advance of marriage where the difficult spots will likely be in their relationship. Then learn ways of addressing and resolving difficulties as they occur. The key to a good marriage relationship is being compatible, not just being in love.
What does it mean to be compatible? Every couple should initially focus on three facets of their relationship:
1. Availability
2. Excitability
3. Compatibility
Availability
Availability means being available in all areas of life. Making oneself vulnerable and accessible to the other person emotionally, materially and spiritually. It also involves time and presence. Availability is the foundation on which compatibility is built. If two people do not spend enough time together, if they don’t communicate about what is happening emotionally, mentally or spiritually in their lives, it is impossible to find out how compatible they are or are not. These questions should be asked at some point in a developing relationship. Is each person fully available to the other? If not, why not? If so, when? Is each willing to become available to the other? If not, why not? If so, when? Availability is the foundation on which compatibility is built. It keeps a person building, bridging the gaps. Availability is not compatibility, but it is a major key in discovering and developing compatibility.
Excitability
Excitability involves more than sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is important. In fact, it keeps the human race alive. Sexual attraction is part of what makes a marriage fun, meaningful and fulfilling. However, the excitability facet of a marriage should not be exclusively sexual. There are a least four other areas that you should find your husband or wife to be “exciting”.
- 1. Mental. Is s/he often in your thoughts? Do you find yourself anticipating what s/he might say or do? Do you daydream about your beloved, your being with him/her in life’s situations?
2. Conversational. Do you enjoy talking and listening to your loved one? Are his/her opinions and ideas interesting? Do you look forward to talking about what is going on in both of your lives? Do you talk about the future? the past? Remember: use. when communication breaks down, so do other areas of a relationship.
3. Visual. Do you enjoy watching your spouse? Do you like the way s/he moves, laughs, walks, talks and gestures? Part of the initial attraction between men and women is usually based on visual cues.
4. Accomplishments. Excitability includes being excited about your spouse’s potential and accomplishments. Excitability is important to compatibility because it encourages people to search for ways to bridge differences.
Compatibility
Compatibility helps the marriage endure. It is the capacity for harmony and agreement that leads to a consistent way of life. It is the ability to get along well.
There are times in all relationships when you cannot be fully available to the other. You cannot be as available as either would like, mentally, emotionally, physically spiritually. There will be times when the excitement diminishes, as result of health issues, stress and other circumstances. However, if two people are truly compatible they will be able to endure those times when full availability is not possible and romantic love is at one of its many low points. But when two people are compatible they will make themselves more available and do whatever is necessary to rekindle the excitement of their relationship.
Five Areas of Compatibility: Physical Compatibility
1. Sexual Compatibility. Those most sexually compatible are couples who choose to remain virgins. They do not carry into the marriage the guilt and distrust associated with indulging in premarital sex.
The Apostle Paul wrote concerning the sanctity of the marriage bed, “Marriage: honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). He also wrote that the Christian should avoid the sin of fornication at all cost:
“Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body. . . Flee fornication. Every sin that a man does is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sins against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s” (1 Corinthians 6:13, 18-20; cf. 5:1-13; 7:2; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3).
If either or both has committed fornication, there needs to be mutual forgiveness. Part of the cleansing process should include a period of celibacy and purity before entering into a new sexual relationship within the bonds of marriage. Six months to a year is recommended. This allows time for trust to be restored to the relationship.
2. Management of Material Goods. This includes work and spending habits. Problems involving money comprise the second most reported cause of marriage problems. Some people manage money well, some do not. Every couple should ask “What are our spending priorities and who will control them? Is s/he honest in business dealings?” Every couple intent on marriage should discuss how chores will be divided.
Compatibility of Background
1. Race and Tribe. Many people throughout the world believe that there should be interracial or intertribal marriages. Most racial and tribal prejudice is deeply ingrained and has been for generations.
However, it is a historical fact that interracial and intertribal marriages have existed for thousands of years. In the Old Testament, Moses married a woman who was not a Hebrew (Exodus 2:21). In the United States, the majority of the population is of mixed tribe. For example, those who have German and English ancestry. And of course, there is a significant part of the population who are of mixed race.
Attitudes about interracial and intertribal marriages vary throughout the world. In Japan, they are taboo. Here in the United States, it is not uncommon to find a family with high racial prejudice living next door to a family of low racial prejudice. So it is important to know each person’s attitude about his or her own race or tribe, as well as his or her potential spouse’s race or tribe.
2. Cultural heritage. Cultural heritage is an important consideration. Keep in mind that, if you are marrying a person who’s native language is different from your own, the way each of you process information and form opinions (your thought patterns) will be different. The greater the language difference, the greater the difference in thought patterns. This can present problems in communication.
Some families are close knit, some are not. So an important question to ask is: “What is the structure of the family? Is the man or woman dominate?” Don’t discount family structure. Your intended spouse probably envisions a family structured like his
or her own.
It is still important that Christians marry Christians for obvious practical reasons. If you are a Christian and your spouse-to-be is not, here is a serious consideration: If you are blessed with children, in which religion will they be reared? It is difficult to raise children in the Lord if either parent is not a Christian.
From a scriptural perspective, it is important that Christians marry Christians because it is the will of God. Historically, God has insisted that His people marry from among His people. In Genesis 6:1-6, the sons of God marrying the daughters of men resulted in the wickedness that caused God to destroy the world by means of the great flood. Abraham, and later Isaac, insisted that their sons choose wives from among their own people rather from among the Canaanites (Genesis 24:1-4; 28:1). Then later, during the Mosaic period, His instruction for marriage was the same (Exodus 34:12-16).
“Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. For they will turn away thy son from following Me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly” (Deuteronomy 7:3-4).
We should not be surprised to find that God’s attitude toward marriage has not changed. Notice Paul’s instruction: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what commumon hath light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14; cf. 1 Corinthians 7:39; 9:5).
God’s Word in both the Old and New Testaments teaches us His will concerning the second most important decision one makes in life (the first being your obedience to the gospel). Marry only in the Lord!
3. Socioeconomic Factors. Prospective mates should consider one another’s financial background: rich, poor or middle income. Remember this, when one individual sees another as being “less than” or “not as good as” because of their economic status, a very unhealthy condition exists in that relationship. This question should be considered: “Does s/he ever put me down for what perceived inappropriate behavior, attributing it to social class?”
4. Education. It is not so important what degree either of you has earned. What is important is to what degree each values education. It could present a problem if either of you places a high value on education and the other does not.
5. Life Experiences. Here are some life experiences that can be very troublesome in a marriage: past drug abuse, a previous marriage, children from a previous relationship, a criminal record, cult involvement, bankruptcy, psychological problems, abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional).
A disappointing past resulting in poor self-esteem is a source of many of the problems in marriage today. For example, a person with poor self-esteem may marry to prove to self and others that s/he can be loved. These same people may spend money beyond their means for things they do not need in order to prove they are worth something. However, the Christian must come to realize that there is no purchase that will remove the hurt of rejection or other trauma from one’s past. Some of these experiences may require professional help (e.g. drug and alcohol abuse). These questions must be answered: “Has s/he resolved the difficulty resulting from these experiences, emotionally and spiritually? Does s/he blame others for what happened? Is s/he still living with feelings of bitterness, anger, hatred, or no forgiveness?”
Relationships with family and friends are an important background concern. One question that should be asked is: “What is his/her relationship with the parent of the same sex?” It is likely that your beloved will be like this parent in the years to come. So if that relationship is marked by good communication, mutual admiration, and warm memories, s/he will likely demonstrate the same in your marriage. If not, problems will likely occur in the marriage. What about the parent of the opposite sex? This relationship is likely to indicate how your spouse to be will treat you. If a man show great respect and tenderness toward his mother, he probably will treat you the same way. If a young woman trusts her father and demonstrates love and admiration toward him, you will likely enjoy the same treatment. You need to be concerned if your husband or wife to be insists that the past does not matter. It does, because the past is the foundation on which your marriage will be built.
Emotional Compatibility
Two people who are vastly different in temperament will likely have a relationship full of arguments. For a marriage to work the couple must agree and put into practice before the marriage how to resolve arguments peaceably. Notice these six areas of emotional compatibility.
- 1. Conflict Resolution. Here are six things necessary to resolve a conflict fairly:
(a) No threats or ultimatums,
(b) No physical violence,
(c) A cooling off period before the situation is discussed,
(d) Stick to the issue --- do not bring up the past,
(e) No personal attacks (e.g., insults, name calling),
(f) No absolute statements (e.g., always, never).
After the disagreement is resolved, you should be able to resume closeness and continue to build your relationship.
2. Flexibility. Are you able to change directions, make new plans? Change in plans is inevitable. Unplanned overtime at work and automobile breakdowns are examples of things that may change plans. It is important for both partners to be able to handle these situations and then move on to plan “B”. -
3. Generosity. “Generosity” is the ability to give and forgive. A generous person gives of his time, and self. He has a listening ear, an encouraging word, compliments, hugs and kisses, and nice surprises. Generosity includes availability. A part of generosity is the ability to forgive. To forgive is to let go, not holding grudges, not seeking revenge. Confrontation is a necessary part of any relationship. But what happens after the confrontation is what is most important.
4. Sense of Humor. “Humor” is another important ingredient of a good marriage. Are you able to laugh at the goof-ups that naturally occur in life?
5. Courtesy. Courtesy is one of the characteristics of agape love. Love has good manners (1 Corinthians 13:5). Good manners are a manifestation of respect. It is showing the other person, “I honor you: who you are and what you say is important.”
6. Self-assurance.
Compatibility of Goals and Dreams
A goal is a goal only if it is achievable. Some goals are personal and achievable on an individual basis. Please understand that the goal of a successful marriage is not one them. Here are some questions involving common goals: What about children? How many children? How will the duties involved in raising and training the children be divided? What if having children is not possible? What about work and careers? Do both partners expect to work outside the home? If the home is blessed with children, do both partners intend for the mother to give up her career in order to work at home, taking care of the children?, etc.
Even when couples share the same goals, there are many unpredictable circumstances that may interrupt and even change goals and redirect dreams. The following questions can help to appraise compatibility, prior to marriage, in dealing with unexpected delays or failures. How do you respond when a goal or dream has been interrupted? How does your spouse-to-be respond? Do you usually reach your goal as the result of planning and hard work? Do you seldom finish what you plan?
Remember that a significant aspect of failure is the ability to rebound and deal loss in a healthy way. Patience, diligence and responsibility are traits of a mature, psychologically healthy person.
Compatibility of Values
While personality traits seem to be defined at birth, our values are learned. Our values are pretty much ingrained by the time we reach adulthood. Values are who we are. They are at the root of our ability to learn, grow, change and adapt. All of these must happen if the marriage is to be lasting. Here is a list of core values to seek in a potential husband or wife:
- (a) truthfulness,
(b) selflessness,
(c) realistic optimism,
(d) empathy,
(e) work ethic,
(f) willingness to communicate.
In chapter one of the book, Growing a Healthy Home entitled “Prescription For A Successful Marriage,” Dr. James Dobson offers the following advice: “For a marriage to be successful it must be Christ-centered, both husbands and wives must be committed to the marriage, and there must be good communication between them.”
In chapter two of the same book, Gary Smalley and John Trent write about the differences in the communication skills of men and women. One study showed that even in the hospital nursery, girls have more lip movement than boys! That propensity keeps right on increasing through the years; giving them an edge at meaningful communication! They then quote from a Harvard Preschool Program’s research of communication differences between the sexes.
After wiring a playground for sound, researchers found that 100 percent of the sounds coming from the girl’s mouths were audible, recognizable words. As for the little boys, only 68 percent of their sounds were understandable words! The remaining 32 percent were either one-syllable sounds like “uh” and “mmm”, or sound effects like “Varooom”, “Yaaaaah!” and “Zooooom!”
Medical studies have shown that between the 18th and 26th week of pregnancy, something happens that forever separates the sexes. Using heat-sensitive color monitors, researchers have actually observed a chemical bath of testosterone and other sex related hormones wash over a baby boy’s brain. This causes changes that never happen to the brain of a baby girl. Here’s a layman’s explanation of what happens when those chemicals hit a boy’s system.
The human brain is divided into two halves, or hemispheres, connected by fibrous tissue called the corpus callosum. The sex-related hormones and chemicals that flood a baby boy’s brain cause the right side to recede slightly, destroying some of the connecting fibers. One result is that, in most cases, a boy starts life more left-brain oriented. What occurs in the womb merely sets the stage for men and women to “specialize” in two different ways of thinking. This is one major reason men and women need each other.
Reaching Agreement in Areas of Difference
How can you come to agreement (bridge the gaps) in areas of incompatibility? “Agreement” is finding solution that works equally well for both you and your spouse to be. Agreements cannot be found in a book or in the relationships of others. Find out what works for the two of you. Narrow the gap through mutual change. Agree to accommodate the differences. There must be change by both persons. In healthy marriages a husband and his wife grow closer with every passing year. Full bonding cannot be accomplished in a month, a year or ten years. Therefore, it is important to maintain an environment that will allow the marriage to grow continually.
When confrontation is necessary in order to reach agreement in an area of difference. timing is very important. Do not discuss change when either partner is:
1. Under extreme stress
2. Feeling anger or frustration out of the ordinary
3. Under the influence of any chemical including medications
4. Physically exhausted
5. Ill.
6. Experiencing a significant loss (e.g., loss of loved one, job, etc.).
Always allow time to cool off after an argument. Do not press for too many changes at time. Never threaten the other person. Focus on the solution not the problem. sometimes consulting a third party is helpful in reaching a solution in an area of incompatibility where the couple cannot stay calm enough for a rational discussion. Always be willing to back up and find another solution if one does not work.
Remember this: Those couples who find a purpose that is greater than themselves will usually find a way to become compatible, and live together as husband and wife untildeath parts them. Also, those couples who keep God in their marriage will be successful in that marriage. Solomon said: “a three-fold cord is not quickly broken” (Eccl. 4:12).
The Principal of Honor and Our Relationships
“Honor” is the foundation of all healthy relationships. The action with which we demonstrate honor is agape love.
The subject of love is one of the most abused, corrupted, and misunderstood of all Bible subjects. This is true because most people do not know what the Bible concept of love is. Should I ask the question: “What is love?” I no doubt would receive a variety of answers. Most of these would have to do with feelings or emotions we associate with love. I believe that with proper understanding and application of this grand subject, we can all be spared the tragedy of broken homes and ruined lives. We need a fundamental understanding of what love is and then make the decision to make Christian love our way of life.
What is love? Love in the English language is singular in expressing what it takes four Greek words to express.
The Greek word eros, from which we get the English word “erotic,” expresses sexual desire. This word does not appear in the Bible. However, the sexual relationship between a husband and his wife is discussed in a number of passages in the New Testament (Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7:1-5). But again, the Greek word eros is never used to describe this loving marital relationship. Many of today’s marriages are based on the ancient Greek eros; love motivated by sexual attraction. These marriages are doomed to failure because eros is shallow, it is volatile, it is erratic, it is not stable!
Then, there is the Greek word storge. This word does not appear as such in the Bible. However, it combines with other words and means “family affection”.
Another Greek word translated “love” that does appear in the New Testament is phileo. Thayer says: “it denotes an inclination prompted by sense and emotion” (p.653, #5368). Lenski tells us that phileo is: “The love of personal affection or liking, including even the passions where the context requires” (Commentary on John, p.1419).
Then there is agape which is an ingredient of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Phileo is experienced by all men but not all men experience or understand agape. The reason being, agape is “Christian love”. Agape originates with God. It is shed abroad in our hearts through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5). Agape is not an emotional, affectionate, passionate response. Lenski says: “agape is the love of intelligence, reason and comprehension coupled with corresponding purpose” (Commentary on John, p.
1419). Agape is a determination of the mind producing deliberate conviction and policy of life. It is the love of doing right simply because it is right! Paul tells us that this one great principle of agape is: patient, kind, generous, humble, courteous, unselfish, of good temper, guileless, sincere, has spiritual strength, has an open mind, and is optimistic (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
I now want to define “honor”. Honor is at the heart of our relationship with God. Notice with me Jesus’ statement to His disciples:
“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:19-21, 33).
Jesus tells us that we honor God by seeking first God’s kingdom and His rightness. Jesus is simply saying to us, that we must put God first in our lives, we must honor Him.
But what does the word “honor” mean as it is used in the Scriptures? According to Gary Smalley, in Christ’s day, to a Greek something of honor called to mind something “heavy” or “weighty.” For example, gold was both valuable and heavy, thus something of “honor.” The word “dishonor” would bring to mind to this same Greek something insignificant. The word “dishonor” in the Greek meant “mist” or “steam.”. The reason being, that steam was the lightest, most insignificant thing the Greeks could think of (Love Is a Decision, p. 21).
When we demonstrate honor toward a person, we are letting them know that what they say and who they are, are very valuable in our eyes. They carry great weight with us. When we dishonor them by what we say or the way we act, we are saying that they are not valuable to us --- who they are and what they say is not very important.
In I Corinthians 6:12-20, the Apostle Paul admonishes the Corinthian Christians to repent of the sin of fornication: “You were bought with a price [literally, “with honor” therefore honor God with your body” (NTV). God demonstrated His “honor” and love in giving His only Son for us. Paul also writes, “But God demonstrated His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8, NASV). Yes! We were bought with “honor”. Therefore we should honor God with our bodies and with our spirits, which are God’s.
One day every believer along with the angels in heaven will say with a “loud voice,” “Worthy is the lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom, strength and honor and glory and blessing” (Revelation 5:12). Honoring God in these verses means to recognize that nothing on this earth or in heaven is as valuable, as weighty (heavy), as significant as He.
But how does the concept of honor specifically apply to a marriage relationship? Peter powerfully challenges husbands:
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
The word “honor” in this passage is from the same Greek word translated “price” in 1 Corinthians 6:20. Similarly, in 1 Peter 3:1-2, Peter teaches that a woman must honor her husband, and in so-doing, she can motivate him spiritually.
Is your our prayer life being hindered? Perhaps it is because you are not honoring your wife as you should. Husbands, your wife should be the highest valued person on this earth! But how many things come before her? work projects, sporting events, TV, fishing, a little white ball? Preachers, how about: church work, writing assignments, gospel meetings that take you away from your wife and children? How many take the place of honor that should be reserved for your wife? What is your wife’s “priority status,” her place of honor, compared to other important things in your life?
May I suggest this practical way to put our relationships in proper order. Prioritize your life from zero to ten, zero being something of little value, ten something of highest value. First, we must establish God and our relationship with Christ as the highest—a ten. Consider these questions: Where is my spiritual life? How highly do value the Word? Prayer? Sharing the gospel with others? Then place your husband or wife above everything else on this earth. Your spouse should be way up in the “nines”. How about you? If you were to rate the “honor principle” of your marriage right now, where should it be? Where would your spouse rate?
I am sure that we are all convinced that we must give God the honor He deserves. But we must also make honor a non-negotiable principle in our homes. The question is, how can we honor those we love in a practical way?
- First, we must decide that the people around us --- our spouse, children, friends, parents --- are worthy of honor. We are stricken with “awe” when we consider the awe-someness of God. When we hold the significant people in our lives in honor, we will experience the “awe” principle. Have you ever noticed how parents exclaim over the accomplishments of their young children? That first word, or first step? We should demonstrate that same kind of excitement, expression of honor, at the accomplishments of our spouse, a friend or parent. We are letting them know that we honor them.
Second, when we make a decision that a person is special and important, we should honor that person. In order for the honor principle to work in improving relationships, we must understand that honor is not always something that is earned. Paul wrote, “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Jesus honored us when we were not honorable. Sometimes we have to make the decision to honor someone despite the way we feel.
Third, it takes a lot of hard work to overcome dishonorable actions of the past. But it is worth the effort. We should not expect immediate appreciation for the changes we make for the better. It will take time for a spouse to believe that their partner has made a significant, lasting change.
Please notice this list of dishonorable acts in the home. Any one of these can be a relationship killer.
1. Ignoring or degrading another persons opinions, advice or beliefs.
2. Ignoring another person who is trying to communicate with us. (e.g., by watching television or reading). Every man and woman needs to know that by nature women are generally better communicators than men. One study indicated that the average woman speaks 25,000 words per day while the average man speaks only 12,500. Therefore, on a given day, if the woman uses only 12,500 words by the time her husband comes home from work and he has already used-up his normal 12,500 words, a communication problem is likely to occur. She wants to talk and he wants to watch TV or read the newspaper.
3. Making jokes about your spouse’s’ weak areas (e.g., appearance, or shortcomings). Powerful word pictures are produced by sarcasm and jokes. This behavior can do lasting harm to your marriage relationship.
4. Verbal attacks. Harsh criticism, being judgmental, and delivering insensitive lectures can be very damaging.
5. Treating in-laws and other relatives as unimportant when making plans.
6. Not expressing appreciation for kindnesses done for us.
7. Practicing distasteful habits even after we are asked to stop.
8. Over committing ourselves to projects and people outside of our family. This demonstrates to our spouse and children that we do not consider them as important as these.
9. Treating your spouse in a way that leaves him/her feeling that s/he is a child.
10. Refusing to admit that we are wrong or to ask for forgiveness.
Fourth, after the decision is made to honor a person, making agape love our plan of action must be our next decision, regardless of the cost, regardless of our feelings.
God said: “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness” (Genesis 1:26, NASV). 1 John 4:8 tells us that “God is love” (agape). Since God made man in His image and according to His likeness, and since God is love (agape), we must strive to become what God is.
To open the door to needed changes in a relationship, one must honor the other person in that relationship (husband, wife, boy friend, girlfriend). Once the decision to honor is made, agape is the action we take no matter how we feel. Real love is honor in action regardless of the cost.
Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 what agape’s action is:
- 1. Agape is patient. Even when provoked to be impatient. Jesus said: “In your patience possess ye your souls” (Luke 21:19). Patience is the key to honoring the other person consistently. And it is the key to exercising the other characteristics of agape.
2. Agape is kind. Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see. It is goodness in action. Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life. It takes on many forms. Concerning the virtuous woman: “In her tongue is the law of kindness”(Proverbs 31:26). This law guides our words. Remember Solomon said: “A soft answer turneth away wrath”(Proverbs 15:1).
Kindness also comes in the form of little deeds. We have a wonderful example in Matthew 10:42: “Giving a cup of cold water”. Here are several ways a husband can show his appreciation for his wife:
(1) Provide her with some time off at home.
(2) Give her a gift on an ordinary day.
(3) Praise her and tell her you love her.
(4) Put her first in your life second only to God and the Lord Jesus Christ.
3. Agape is generous, free of envy or jealousy. Someone has said: “As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man”. Envy sometimes turns husband and wife against each other. Where envy is agape is not, because love envieth not. Agape is generous. Envy desires to take, but agape wants to give. “My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth” (1 John 3:18).
4. Agape is humble. “Love does not brag and is not arrogant” (v. 4, Goodspeed). Love does not put on airs. Solomon declared: “Before honor is humility” (Proverbs 15:33). Humility is a recognition of our dependence on God.
5. Agape is courteous. It has as a characteristic of good manners Agape will not belittle. Remember this: one belittles another because he is little. The terms “old lady” or “my old man” in reference to ones spouse should not be part of the Christian’s vocabulary. Why? Because love does not act in an unbecoming way. Agape is not rude. Love will exercise itself by being considerate. For example, opening the door for your wife and receiving a “thank you” in return Courtesy is putting into practice the “Golden Rule”. Jesus taught “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the Law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12).
6. Agape is unselfish. “Love does not insist on its own way” (v 5 RSV) Love does not seek her on advantage. Agape will put the Lord first (Matthew 22:37-38). In Philippians 1, Paul tells us that we must put Christ first in our lives. In 2:3, he declares that we must put others second. One of the primary reasons for problems between a husband and his wife occurs when both partners attempt to place self first. On the other hand if each has a submissive (unselfish) mind, neither will expect the other to serve. Instead each will gladly serve the other Agape gives others the advantage and is happy over it Paul wrote “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love in honor preferring one another” (Romans 12:10)
7. Agape has as a characteristic a good temper. “Love is not touchy” (v Phillips). “It is not irritable or resentful” (RV). The wise man said, “He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly” (Proverbs 14:17). And James declares, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath man worketh not the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20).
Anger is contrary to what love stands for. We honor one another by always demonstrating a good temper, even when provoked to be angry.
8. Agape is innocent minded. “Love thiniketh no evil” (v. 5). “Love does not keep account of evil” (Phillips). An early Christian writer said, “It [love] forgives those we have erred, having no suspicion that they have done so with a bad motive”. We tend to attach a great deal of importance to the tone of the voice or a look of the eyes. But not so with the innocent mind. How many arguments occur because a husband or wife or loved one imputed an evil motive to an action by one or the other? “His motive was wrong!” “He didn’t really mean what he said when he apologized.” Remember, agape demands that we give others the benefit of the doubt. Love honors others by thinking no evil.
9. Agape is sincere. Sincerity will never show favor to sin in our relationships. Sincerity is something that is, in reality, what it appears to be. We can tell about the inside by what is demonstrated by one’s patience, kindness, good temper, etc. It is consistent regardless of the feelings involved. Love “rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth.”
10. Agape love has spiritual strength. This is true because love beareth all things. This characteristic enables one to honor a spouse even when he or she is not honorable. “And now, brethren, I commend you to God, and to the word of his grace, which s able to build you up, and to give you an inheritance among all them which are sanctified” (Acts 20:32).
Paul instructs us to “be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might” (Ephesians 5:10). We accomplish this by putting on the whole armor of God (Ephesians 6:11-18). It takes spiritual strength to endure and overcome the trials that are sure to come in all marriages. It is difficult to honor a husband or wife who speaks or acts in an unbecoming way. But remember, Jesus said, “Love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44). The word “love” in this passage is the verb form of agape. Christ is not saying we must love or even like the actions of another, but that we must love the individual as God loves us. It takes a great deal of discipline to be patient, kind, and demonstrate a good temper toward an enemy. But agape can do it because it has spiritual strength. Paul tells us in practical terms how to treat an enemy. “Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:20-21).
If I demonstrate agape toward my enemy, one day I may be able to call him my brother. Now if God expects me to treat my enemy in a loving way, how about the one I have chosen to be my wife, for better, for worse, till death parts us. If we stop loving each other, God would have us to learn to love again, by honoring each other through practicing the action of agape, the love of the intellect.
11. Agape believes all things. What does Paul mean by this statement? Love is open-minded. It accepts that which evidence supports. Is your mind open and able to receive all the truth that comes your way? What about this grand subject of agape? There is no hope for you to gain the truth of God and make it part of your life unless you do. Remember this: It takes an open mind as well as an open Bible to become the person (husband or wife) whom God would have you to be. Love believes all things. Love gives truth a chance. It allows us to grow healthy, honoring relationships.
12. Agape hopes all things. Agape is optimistic. The only person in the world who has the right to be an optimist is the Christian. This characteristic of love is one that the Christian would be dead without. The word “optimism” comes from the Latin which means “best.” Optimism places the best possible construction on actions and happenings and expects the best possible outcome. Christian optimism begins with a desire for the best and regardless of the circumstances, confidently expects to receive that desire. You cannot love without being optimistic. What is Christian optimism? It is the confidence that everything will work together for the Christian’s good. The person in the world must leave the outcome of his optimism to chance. The Christian leaves his to God. Paul instructs us: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
Christian optimism is the full persuasion that God will rule over and over-rule all things for our good, including the good for our relationships.
This one great principle of agape is made up of these twelve characteristics. We demonstrate honor in our relationships through the action of agape. If two people, desiring to be united in marriage, practice the honoring action of agape on a daily basis during their courtship, they will be truly compatible with one another. It is vitally important that couples bridge the gaps of incompatibility before marriage. I want to encourage every man and woman while planning a wedding to include pre-marriage counseling in those plans. With the right plan of action, the relationship can be long and fulfilling. “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6).
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