Preparing For Marriage: The Case For Premarital Counseling

Ryan Connor

Spring 2004 Quarterly

Each year many people fall in love and marry. A date is set for the wedding. A place is chosen for the special event. Plans are made for the ceremony. Decisions are made about colors, fabrics, flowers, candles, music, photography, and a list of other items. Finally, the day comes, and the guests are seated. The processional commences. As the bride and groom make their vows, “. . . to love, hold and cherish till death do us part,” a sense of hope, joy, and great expectation fills the air. The vows are sealed with prayer and are celebrated with a kiss. The recessional takes the bride and groom off to begin their marriage with what is so appropriately called “a honeymoon.”

Three years, three months, or sometimes three weeks later, many of these happily married couples realize the honeymoon is over. The fantasy has faded away only to leave a bitter tasting reality. In a recent book, written by Cele C. Otnes and Elizabeth H. Pleck bearing the title Cinderella Dreams: The Allure of the Lavish Wedding. The authors consider the increasing costs of lavish wedding ceremonies as a telling mirror to contemporary culture. For years, ministers who officiate at weddings have said that people spend more time preparing for the wedding than for the marriage. Perhaps we are exchanging the blessings of marriage for Cinderella dreams.

Marriage: A Blessing The Bible speaks of marriage in glowing terms. In Genesis 2:18-24 (NKJV unless noted otherwise) we have the divine record of the first marriage on earth: And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him. Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said:

“This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”.

Jesus Christ our Lord honors marriage as well. He said, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female',” and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?' So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:4-6).

The Hebrew writer said, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4) The same Scripture is rendered in Today’s English Version,“Marriage is to be honored by all, and husbands and wives must be faithful to each other.” The writer of wisdom wrote, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22) and “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies” (Proverbs 31:10). Clearly, the Bible shows that God intends for marriage to be a blessing.

The design of marriage in Scripture is threefold.
First, marriage is intended for procreation. God told Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it” (Gen. 1:28).
Second, marriage is intended for companionship.

God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Gen. 2:18, 20).
Third, marriage is intended for pleasure (See Song of Solomon; Hebrews 13:4, quoted earlier). The blessings of marriage are abundant. When the writer of wisdom described his awe of God’s created order, he included marriage, saying,

“There are three things which are too wonderful for me, Four which I do not understand: The way of an eagle in the sky, The way of a serpent on a rock, The way of a ship in the middle of the sea, And the way of a man with a maid” (Proverbs 30:18-19, NASB, emphasis mine).
From B. Carter & M. McGoldrick, p. 373. “New Data” from J. Gottman, p. 16.

Does the present condition of marriage in the United States fit the beautiful picture presented in Scripture? The emphasis many people place upon the wedding ceremony seems to anticipate marriage as a blessing. A recent study even stated that ninety-three percent of Americans rate “having a happy marriage” as one of their most important objectives in life, and more than seventy percent believe that marriage involves a life-long commitment that should only be ended under extreme circumstances (Waite & Gallagher as cited in Carroll & Doherty, p. 105). Nevertheless, fifty percent of first marriages and sixty-one percent of second marriages end in divorce. Sadly, the state of marriage today does not match the design of marriage spoken of in the Bible.

Divorce Divorce has devastating effects. According to Michelle Weiner-Davis, a clinical social worker and popular marriage therapist and writer, something is changing about divorce in our society. She commented, “I believe that people are beginning to realize how devastating divorce is—emotionally, financially and spiritually—for everyone involved. With enough time under our belts to have observed the results of rampant divorce, we are beginning to recognize the price we have paid for the freedom of disposable marriages” (p. 27).

This author calls attention to the perception many people apparently have of marriage. We think in terms of “disposable” marriages. Why prepare for marriage? “If this marriage does not work out, then I can get a divorce and try again,” many say to themselves. But for Christians, this response will not do! God still hates divorce (Malaci 2:16). Christians may not get a divorce for just any reason (Matthew 5:32; 19:6-9; 1 Corinthians 7:10-16). Marriage is honorable among all (Hebrews 13:4).

Societal Awareness Secular researchers are coming to the same conclusions that ministers and other church leaders have held for many years: people need to prepare better for marriage. Social policy in the United States is beginning to address the troublesome state of marriage. President Bush’s welfare policy includes strong support for strengthening marriages. According to a CNN.com report posted February 27, 2002, “His proposal includes $300 million for programs that promote marriage.” Eligible programs include marriage enrichment and premarital counseling and education. God’s way once again proves to be the best way. Instead of throwing marriage away, people are beginning to see the importance of protecting and promoting marriage. One study observed, the current state of marriage in the United States is troublesome, because a growing body of research shows that successful marriages promote mental, physical, and family health, whereas conflicted and unstable marriages undermine well-being and incur large social and financial costs for communities (Carroll & Doherty, p. 105).

The world is beginning to recognize the need to prepare for marriage. Christian men and women planning to marry need to recognize the importance of getting it right the first time, that their marriage is not disposable, and that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Premarital Counseling Preparing for marriage is really about developing a realistic set of expectations for marriage. Its concept underlies the instruction for older women to teach the younger women (Titus 2:3-5). The counseling process is often facilitated by a premarital counselor— often parents, grandparents, ministers, or other church leaders. The essential qualification of any premarital counselor is experience in a successful marriage. Beyond this key qualification, specialized knowledge (i.e. what the Bible teaches about marriage) and a degree of objectivity and impartiality may also be important characteristics of a premarital counselor. For example, future in-laws do not always provide objective and impartial advice. A trusted third party, on the other hand, may help a couple prepare for managing relationships with in-laws.

The history of premarital counseling and education in the United States began among religious institutions. In 1992 H. Norman Wright said, “Twenty-five years ago the concept of marital preparation and individual premarital counseling was in its infancy” (p. 21). Adding the eleven years that have since elapsed, we are now in the 36th year of premarital counseling and education development. This is not to say that no such thing as premarital education or counseling existed before the organized movements of the late 60’s. Parents, grandparents, ministers, and other community leaders have performed some kind of premarital counseling and education throughout the centuries. Abraham may have offered the first bit of premarital counseling when he told his servant, “...you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac” (Genesis 24:4).

In our part of the world, the days of arranged marriage ended long ago. While parents might not choose a spouse for their son or daughter, the next best thing is to provide some kind of premarital counseling and education. Traditional sources of premarital counseling and education continue to be useful, but in view of the greater challenges marriage must overcome in our present situation, premarital prevention programs at the individual and congregational levels are appropriate. For Christians, the natural support system is the church. Therefore, congregations must be prepared to do more than provide a building and a minister for the wedding ceremony. The church must provide education and counseling for Christian men and women who are preparing for marriage.

Premarital prevention programs may be delivered in different formats. First, at the individual level the form of delivery is typically premarital couple counseling (i.e. a series of shared counseling sessions with a minister or counselor). Second, if there are a number of couples planning to marry at one time, premarital counseling and education may be provided in a group format. Third, premarital education and enrichment programs may be provided either in groups or congregational assemblies (i.e. special services devoted to educating Christians with biblical teaching on marriage and family life).

The difference between counseling and education is sometimes blurred. A simple definition of counseling may help clear up the differences. Counseling is helping people “manage specific problems, prevent difficulties, and accelerate development” (Vacc & Loesch as cited in Capuzzi & Gross, p. 333). Education does not require gathering specific information from persons about their problems, difficulties, or development. Education is simply providing people with information that applies to a given population (e.g. couples planning to marry).

According to the Scriptures, we are to help othersby providing a careful balance of teaching and encouragement. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church at Colosse, saying, “...we preach, warning every man and teaching every man in all wisdom, that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus” (Colossians 1:28). Preaching, warning, and teaching are the methods employed by ministers of the gospel to help Christians mature in Christ. Jay Adams is noted for his confrontational approach to counseling where he “nouthetically confronts” people who are sinning by living disorderly or shirking their responsibilities. The Greek word translated “warning” in Colossians 1:28 is nouthetountes. The New Analytical Greek Lexicon defines noutheteo as “to put in mind; to admonish, warn” (Perschbacher, p. 286). Adams argues for the central place of nouthetic confrontation in Christian counseling.

Adams counters much of the humanistic and naturalistic tendencies in secular psychology and counseling by insisting that people take responsibility for their sins and turn to the guidance of biblical teachings. Nevertheless, he fails to balance nouthetic confrontation with other methods of helping Christians manage specific problems, difficulties, and developmental issues.

Larry Crabb notes that Paul does instruct the church to nouthetically confront those in sin, but “...he also instructed them to comfort people who were despondent or fainthearted” (p. 147). Crabb continues, The Greek word for comfort is paramutheo and literally means to “speak close.” It was used to describe an emotional expression of support and love without a hint of confrontational rebuke. To harshly confront a fainthearted person not only would be cruel but also positively harmful. Paul also advised them to hold strongly onto those who were weak. The thought seems to be that some people need to borrow from another’s strength on occasion. Other encouragement’s to bear each other’s burdens support the idea that a local body of believers is to be an interdependent fellowship including confrontation, supportive encouragement, strong assistance, and likely a host of other behaviors. Counseling then includes far more than confrontation and sometimes may not include confrontation at all (p. 147).

Another factor that Adams seems to leave out of his counseling paradigm is the broad field of resources Paul relies upon in preaching, warning, and teaching. Paul says that we preach, “...warning every man and teaching every man in all wisdom” (Colossians 1:28—emphasis mine). Wisdom is gained from the revelation of God’s Word. For the Christian, God’s Word is the ultimate source of authority in all matters. Nevertheless, wisdom is also gained by attending to the created order and nature of the universe, including the created order and nature of human behavior. The Book of Proverbs focuses on this aspect of wisdom. Apparently, wisdom about life may be gained by careful observation and meditation upon the fixed order and patterns of the natural and social world (Proverbs 3:19-20; 8:22-36; 24:30-34; cf. Jeremiah 18:18; 31:35-36; 33:25; Ezekiel 7:26).

Christian ministers, teachers and other church leaders who provide premarital counseling or any form of counsel to other Christians must realize the wisdom of employing various methods of preaching, warning, teaching, and encouraging in counseling. And while the Scriptures are the ultimate resource and authority for competent counsel, other resources may be useful when employed effectively and appropriately within a biblical framework. For example, active listening is a basic counseling skill that anyone who provides counseling should learn. The skills involved in active listening are consistent with biblical teaching. James said, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19). Active listening skills wonderfully apply this biblical principle. Another example of utilizing practical resources to apply biblical principles is found in anger management skills or methods of conflict resolution.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “ ‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). Anger management methods often help people channel their anger into constructive and positive outlets, instead of destructive and negative outlets. Essentially, following a good anger management program will help people follow the Apostle’s teaching.

The available resources for premarital counseling are so numerous that it would be impossible to conduct an exhaustive review in one presentation. A significant review of the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs may be found in the April 2003 issue of Family Relations: Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies (Carroll & Doherty). The study revealed that “the average participant in a premarital program tends to experience about a 30% increase in measures of outcome success” (p. 105). This research is highly significant, especially in the face of a fifty to sixty percent divorce rate.

This means that the average person who participates in some form of premarital counseling and education is more likely to experience a successful marriage than the majority of people who do not receive premarital counseling. This study also shows that premarital prevention programs that address conflict negotiation are found more consistently effective than other programs. Another consistent factor of effective premarital prevention programs is varied delivery formats (i.e. group, individual, weekend retreats, etc.).

An old saying says, “It doesn’t really matter what you do; as long as you work at it, it will work for you.” In a sense, this old saying applies to premarital counseling and education. Couples will gain something by going through most premarital prevention programs, regardless of the structure, delivery format, or methods employed. The content of premarital counseling and education is more important, however. As we noted from the current research, conflict negotiation is essential to a consistently effective premarital prevention program. H. Norman Wright mentions a number of issues that are important content areas for premarital counseling and education. He says, “Building a good marriage means a person must take time to redefine roles, beliefs, and behaviors and negotiate the differences with his/her partner. Money, time, power, family traditions, friends, vocations, and use of space in the home are just a few of the issues that need to be negotiated.” (p. 12).

Other important content areas include commitment, communication, understanding gender differences, and so on. Recent research shows that people in happy marriages will have the following seven characteristics:

• Healthy expectations of marriage
• A realistic concept of love
• A positive attitude and outlook toward life
• The ability to communicate their feelings
• An understanding and acceptance of their gender differences
• The ability to make decisions and settle arguments
• A common spiritual foundation and goal

Since people in happy marriages tend to exhibit characteristics that fall into these seven general content areas, it follows that effective premarital prevention programs cover these areas as well (Parrott & Parrott).

Marriage Myths Many couples enter marriage with unrealistic expectations based upon what Parrott & Parrott call “marriage myths.” For this reason, many couples go through a period of disillusionment. In Old Testament times, a newly married couple received a full year of vacation to adjust to married life (See Deuteronomy 24:5) unlike most modern married couples who take very little time to adjust to marriage—another indication of our culture’s failure to appreciate marriage.

One especially troublesome and prevalent marriage myth is the idea that marriage will make two incomplete persons whole. Someone will say, “My spouse will complete me.” One of the divine purposes in marriage is companionship (Genesis 2:18, 20), and healthy relationships are effective for personal growth (See Proverbs 27:17), but no human relationship, not even the marriage relationship, can make a person whole or complete. Only in Christ Jesus are we made whole (John 5:6-9).

A second common marriage myth is the idea that everything good in a relationship will only get better. This marriage myth ignores the “for better or worse” part of the traditional marriage vow. A couple entering marriage with this kind of thinking expects marriage to be easy, not requiring patience, forbearance, and hard work.

A third common marriage myth is the idea that everything bad in a person’s life disappears after he or she is married. This myth is perfectly expressed in the children’s fable about Cinderella. Many people who have little self-worth get married expecting to feel better about themselves, but whatever was missing before marriage is often still missing after marriage. Often, a person operating under this particular marriage myth takes on the personality of the other spouse. His interests, his priorities, his values become her interests, her priorities, her values. This kind of over-accommodation eventually wears thin, and the lack of true emotional intimacy (i.e. companionship) is revealed.

A fourth common marriage myth is the idea that everyone expects the same things in marriage. Someone will say, “My fiancé wants the same things that I want.” Willard F. Harley, who developed an entire system of counseling couples based upon years of experience, concluded that in healthy marriages, couples met each other’s most important emotional needs. But marital problems often occur because we think that our spouses have the same needs as we do — they do not. Harley identifies the top ten emotional needs for men and women. The top five for men and the top five for women do not match, however. Therefore, Harley’s system of marriage counseling involves identifying each spouse’s most important emotional needs and teaching each spouse how to meet the other’s needs.

Top Five Emotional Needs Top Five Emotional Needs:
For Men..............................................For Women
Sexual Fulfillment..............................Affection
Recreational Companionship.............Conversation
Physical Attractiveness.......................Honesty and ...........................................................Openness
Domestic Support...............................Financial ...........................................................Support
Admiration.........................................Family ...........................................................Commitment


Preparing for marriage should involve a process of debunking these and other marriage myths. Gaining a realistic set of expectations for marriage is the goal of premarital counseling. For example, a realistic and biblical understanding of love is needed in marriage. Love may be defined in several ways: romantic feelings, sexuality, friendship, meeting needs, or a self-sacrificial action for the good of another (See 1 Corinthians 13:1-8).

Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Biblical Words offers this explanation, Again, to “love” (phileo) life, from an undue desire to preserve it, forgetful of the real object of living, meets with the Lord’s reproof, John 12:25. On the contrary, to “love” life (agapao) as used in 1 Peter 3:10, is to consult the true interests of living. Here the word phileo would be quite inappropriate.

Couples preparing to marry also need to understand gender differences. Moses stated, “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:27). The Apostle Peter wrote, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). Recognizing that men and women have different needs, process thoughts and emotions differently, and are given different roles to fulfill in marriage is essential to marital preparation. The apostle’s teaching is clear: men and women are equal, but different.

Communication Skills Helping couples learn communication skills is another part of marital preparation. According to John Gottman, communicating and negotiating conflict without criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stone-walling will avoid marital distress and increase the strength of the marriage. Using an “I feel” statement in communication is also helpful. An “I feel” statement non-judgmentally communicates one’s feeling about something another has done. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t appreciate anything I do for you,” a wife might say to her husband, “I feel unappreciated when you are late for dinner.” This simple technique tends to prevent angry outbursts and defensiveness in marital communication.

Marriage is a major transitionin the life-cycle (Carter & McGoldrick). Preparing for this transition includes developing a shared vision—a shared set of goals—and providing support for each other. Issues often discussed by couples preparing for marriage are the desired number of children, parenting concerns, an acceptable standard of living, money management and division of labor, relationships with in-laws, roles and family rules. The couple preparing for marriage should work out a financial budget and a parenting plan, including the number of children and expectations regarding child discipline. All of these issues and any others that are important to the particular couple preparing for marriage may be discussed and thoroughly planned out to create a shared vision for marriage based upon wise counsel and biblical teaching.

Attitude Perhaps, the most important part of marital preparation is developing an optimistic attitude and outlook. Unfortunately, we cannot prepare for every problem and bump along the way. Yet, the Scripture says, “And whoever trusts in the LORD, happy is he” (Proverbs 16:20). God designed marriage as a blessing to men and women. Select a mate who will help you in life: a mate who will help you be a Christian, a mate who will help you be a faithful husband or wife, a mate who will help you be a faithful father or mother. Be the kind of person who will help your mate be a Christian, a husband or wife, a father or mother. Then, seek out wise counsel. And finally, trust in God, and enjoy the blessings of marriage.

20 Birch Ln., Huntington, W. Virginia, 25704, rconnor@zoominternet.com

Works Cited

Adams, Jay E. Competent to Counsel. Phillipsburg, N. J.: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Company, 1970.
Capuzzi, D. & D. R. Gross. Introduction to the Counseling Profession (3rd. ed.). Needham Heights, Mass.: Allyn & Bacon, 2001.
Carrol, J. S. & W. J. Doherty. “Evaluating the Effectiveness of Premarital Prevention Programs: A Meta-analytic Review of Outcome Research.” Family Relations: Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies, 52(2), 105-118.
Carter, B. & M. McGoldrick. The Expanded Family Life Cycle (3rd ed.). Needham Heights, Mass.: Allyn & Bacon, 1999.
Crabb, Lawrence J. Effective Biblical counseling: A Model for Helping Caring Christians Become Capable Counselors. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 1977.
Gottman, J. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: What You Can Learn from Breakthrough Research to Make Your Marriage Last. New York: Fireside, 1994.
Harley, Willard F. Five Steps to Romantic Love: A Workbook for Readers of Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Revell, 2002.
Parrott L. & L. Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 1995.
Weiner-Davis, Michele. Divorce Busting: A Revolutionary and Rapid Program for Staying Together. New York: Summit Books, 1994.

Wright, H. Norman. The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago: Moody Press, 1992.